Our Life

1988

This was written when my siblings one day fought and it was embedded in my memory. I think I was a freshman in high school when I wrote this, so consider the age I was.

O Lord, why is life like this?
Loving each other is what I miss,
Fighting is what I like to cease,
My sisters oftentimes fight like enemies

But then, after not saying sorry,
They’re being friends again.
Then after a time, my sister’s bossy,
Please realize their pain.

Even I get involved,
It’s like a bomb ready to explode!
No contacts with each other,
No loving for one another
Please, Lord, help us.

Give us protection from temptation.
Save us, Lord, You must.
We got to get out of this ‘angry nation’.


CI '88 Mosquitoes

December 28, 1988

Christmas Institute 1988: You can already tell what this was about. Mosquitoes were annoying that year! One of my first poems.

O Lord, how can it be,
Besides meeting new friends
I also meet mosquitoes which sting my hands,
My face is also covered with spots
Countless spots of mosquito bites.
O Lord, please help me?
So I can sleep so soundly.

It even kisses my lips,
That creates bulges of itch
And even in small places
It even bites my legs.
O Lord, would you help me?
It makes me so angry.


True Friends

1988 or 1989

Note: I don't have a date on this but I'm guessing it's around Christmas Institute 1988 or 1989.

Something inside of me
Gets excited when you all talk to me
I've met friends here and there
But never special, they're only there

Then, I met you, him and her
You're forever special, you're always here
But I'm so sorry to say
For I don't deserve you that's like a day
A day which comes and meets me
Not like an enemy that never greets me

I hope you always stay that way
Not like someone who wants me astray
And so, I thank you, my friends
For you are my true friends.


You

February 1992

I've been searching for someone that would always be true
Then my heart came alive the moment I met you.
You're always in my thoughts, my dreams, and desires.
No one can compare my feelings you acquired.
My heart fills with happiness whenever you're around:
it lurches, beats quickly, it will burst, I'll be bound.
I'm hoping you will notice me even just a glance.
A smile would be welcome, then, I can dance!
One day, we will part, for that, I am sure;
But my love will not die, a love that's for you.


Till The End

February 1994

If trees could grow and birds could fly,
why not build our love and give it a try?
You touched my life in such a way
That I could live for another day.
You're like a sun that shone through me;
a heart full of darkness, no reality.
If I were you and you were me,
I won't let you go, I won't set you free.
Love me today to end my sorrow,
and I will love you till the end of tomorrow.


Teacher's Day

1988 or 1989?

Note: I wrote this for Teacher's Day at my high school. I vaguely remember they put this in one of their newsletters, but I'm not so sure. I hope they didn't because I find this corny! LOL. I think this was during my freshman or sophomore year in high school.

Teacher's Day, Teacher's Day
This is the wonderful time to rest
For teachers on this wonderful day.
For they are going to select the best
The best students who'll replace them in N.C.B.A.

The students are going to teach
And scold noisy students beyond their reach
They're going to imitate their teachers
And the teachers are to imitate their students
So what will they do
But to change positions on Teacher's Day!


You

February 1992

I've been searching for someone that would always be true
Then my heart came alive the moment I met you.
You're always in my thoughts, my dreams, and desires.
No one can compare my feelings you acquired.
My heart fills with happiness whenever you're around:
it lurches, beats quickly, it will burst, I'll be bound.
I'm hoping you will notice me even just a glance.
A smile would be welcome, then, I can dance!
One day, we will part, for that, I am sure;
But my love will not die, a love that's for you.


Till The End

February 1994

If trees could grow and birds could fly,
why not build our love and give it a try?
You touched my life in such a way
that I could live for another day.
You're like a sun that shone through me;
a heart full of darkness, no reality.
If I were you and you were me,
I won't let you go, I won't set you free.
Love me today to end my sorrow,
and I will love you till the end of tomorrow.


Without You

February 1994

I think about you every single moment.
I feel so blue every single day.
Your feelings are true: you don't love me.
But I love you; that's how it should be.
I want to tell you who I really am,
but what can it do? You don't give a damn!
Life's so unfair! Its stingy hands are rejoicing.
We'll part as strangers, but how will the loving?
I want to explode! Oh, but what can I do?
It's really unfair to live without you.


You Smiled

February 1994

You smiled--
and even talked to me.
Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me!

You smiled--
but what could I do?
I just stared and looked at you!

You smiled--
I couldn't speak.
But my heart did, and I felt weak.

You smiled--
but then I knew,
that you don't know that I love you.


Lovesick Fool

October 1998

Happy and sad
A contradictory of thoughts
Love was found
Friendship was lost

Happy and togetherness
Sad and forgetfulness
Where am I going?
Where am I bound?

I'm just a lovesick fool
Brooding over something but nothing
I'm a lovesick fool
Loving but not loving
How can that be? No one wants to be
But I'm a lovesick fool

Love consumes me
Friends drift away
Everything I believed in
Has died and gone astray

Forgetting everything
Remembering something
I feel so happy yet so blue
I feel nothing but love

Nothing is important
I just want to be with my love
But am I satisfied?
Where am I bound?

I'm just a lovesick fool
I cannot understand it
Coming together but apart from it all
Is it any ever dull?


Untitled

October 1998

Notes: This was written on the spot in a love letter to an old flame named D (name omitted for privacy). I thought I was truly in love with him, yet circumstances caused him to break my heart. He still taught me many things about love and life, and for that I am grateful.

He's here, I'm tingly all over...
I can't understand this feeling of love
I want to squeeze him deep in my heart
Yet I feel that I'm squeezing him too hard

Is this love? Is this joy?
Why do I feel so miserable?
When he's gone, I'm done
Nothing feels good anymore.

There he sits on a chair
On his way to another place
His heart is with me
And my heart begins to race

Yet I find that I'm yearning
For more than he could give
He's going away to his family
And here I am to grieve.

I'm distracted, I'm confused
I don't know what to do
I have him in my heart
But he can't help for us to part.

I miss him so badly
I cry myself to sleep
If this is love, it hurts
I think I'm in too deep

I haven't met him at all then
Yet it seems that he's with me years before
We feel like people in love
When we're together, we fit like a glove.

I will see him again
Tomorrow, I hope
Just the smell of his perfume cologne
Makes me go up in smoke

We're states apart
Why did it have to be this way?
Maybe it's fate that we met
Living from day to day

One day I will be with him
And I wish he with me
I am impatient of this love
I can't wait, I'm already ready to move

But then, love endures
Problems arise, but still love pursues
I should wait till my love comes for me.
I shall wait, I must be sure

I haven't planned it this way
Love just came and shot me in the back
I guess it's the same for him
I can't find any words more to say.

Love, what is this?
What have you gotten me into?
I have become D----holic :)
I succumbed to the addiction.

Hay naku, ewan ko ba (Oh boy, I don't know)
Pag naiisip ko siya (When I think of him)
Ako'y nagwawala sa tuwa (I go crazy with joy)
Mahal na mahal ko talaga. (I love him so much)


You And I

July 2000

This is the story of how my husband and I first met. We are still happily married today.

I went to work that day
I saw you slaving away
Who would’ve thought that same day
I would start loving you in every way?

At breakfast we’d eat together
We’d eat in silence or share a joke, if ever.
After, though, we’d go separately
Off to go home, lonely.

One day, on Valentine’s
You thought it might be time
For us to be together
Just for that day, if not forever.

At first it was awkward
I didn’t know if it was too forward
That I would come to visit
But who cares?
I didn’t want to miss it!

You and I were so nervous
Oh, it was so obvious!
My heart, I told, be still,
It just won’t come down at will!

I finally looked in your eyes.
Oh, what a pleasant surprise!
Your eyes revealed your love
I thanked the heavens above.

You and I, I knew it would be
From the start, I saw it, really
That we would love each other somehow
Forever and ever, anyhow.


I'm Sorry

April 2002

A word said wrong,
Cannot be undone.
Even a word to say sorry
Will not make it gone.

My words will not make
Any difference now and then.
But know that I am
So sorry till the end.

A tease was meant
But hurt feelings were struck
I hang my head with tears
I'm all out of luck.

I died that day
When you said you don't love me
Anymore or till the end
What's to become of me?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Oh, honey, I truly am
What can I do? What can I do?
But you don't give a damn.

So this is my sorry poem
Written just for you
As I say goodbye
And I am sorry, too.


The Gauntlet

August 2002

I gaze into a clear pool,
Only to see a blur of myself
I have no identity
Only a being of someone else.

Take what you want
I will not fight
I am just but a pawn
With no soul to bear.

The gauntlet that I wear
Will let you see the truth
Of what has become of me
And you will know..you will know.


Fear

27 October 2003

and when you think you're the only one cold
cold inside, shivering with uncertainty,
on the other side of the world,
one shivers the same time you do.

could it be a twin? a long lost survivor?
endless thoughts of wonderings
what if, what if, what if?
you could never know unless you're an angel

death is around the corner
you are more likely to meet it
there are no ends and go-arounds
you are afraid, afraid of the inevitable

you cling fast and hold on tight
never letting go of the light
desperate need, seeking
reassurance is fleeting

heart starts racing
you can't help it
you cannot control your life
you will have to live with it
not knowing what's at the end of the rainbow


I've Been Passing Time...

31 October 2003

Time looms ahead of me.
Continuous.
Endless.
240 hours of space.

I would like to think
I want to do something,
but not really.

I need to be alone.
Do my endless projects.
Finish unfinished business.
Be lazy again and again.
Accomplish some dreams that, alas, may not be fulfilled.
Reach for the inevitable, the stars, the moon, the sky.
Search for nothing and find something worthwhile.
Rummage through my trash.
Rekindle old flames.
Satisfy a need.
Make love.
Read my abandoned books.
Live life to the fullest.
Fly.

Time looms ahead of me.
Continuous.
Endless.
240 hours of space.


Random

8 November 2003

Time marches on...
No backwards,
fall forward.

Nothing to do
but stop
and listen,
Feel.
Breathe.

Try to make you understand
the feeling I shed
to the fallen of the land.

Curiousity brings me
to you
I want to know more
but I am afraid
of consequences.
Of what I do not know.

I'm confused
What am I thinking...
Random words of nothing
all because of boredom.


Music

9 November 2003

The notes of a song
flow through your mind.
Do you even know what
the lyrics say?
They haunt you,
hate you, love you
squeeze you, taunt you
something a part of you
you don't want to let go.

The music fills my bones
flows through my blood
as though it is my own.
The limitless innerworkings
of a mind long ago
touched by its tender musings.

A sting in my shoe
The bleeding of my eyes
Stirring the cup
of my soul.
The words touch me
Like a nuclear blast
of
Destruction.
Repression.
Drugs.
Love.
Happiness.
God.

Forlorn.
I am.


The Day Is Done

12 November 2003

Reminiscing...
of days gone by.
Remembering...
of moments we shared.
Thinking...
how well we did together.
Wanting...
it to last forever.
Needing...
this rush of memories.
Loving...
the moments of sharing.

Crying...
because it wouldn't last.
Frowning...
of what went wrong.
Aching...
because you wouldn't stay.
Wondering...
on what will happen next.

The day is done.
The moment has gone.
The cherished memories...
dead to the wind.


Groggy

26 November 2003

Groggy.
Sickness took me by surprise.
Maybe it IS the state of mind.
I don't even know what I had
But DayQuil conquered it already.
2k of Vitamin C does the trick
But why does it feel like
I'm going to be sick?
Still dizzy from the spell I had
Walking in circles,
I feel like I'm drunk or tipsy.
Right now, I'm working
Is it really a good idea?
It's the flu season here
I don't want to be a victim.
Sweat a fever, feed a cold.
That's what they always say.
Don't ever get sick, kiddos.
Not a good thing.
Especially when you're going on
a trip you wanted to go so bad.


shortcuts

9 December 2003

I'm leaving on a jet plane...
I'm nervous.
I'm excited.
I know I'll be exhausted.
But I know it'll be an adventure.
Things packed? Check.
Feed the dogs and fishies? Check.
House clean? I think so.
Turn off all electrical devices? Check.
Wake up early in the morning? I need to.
Dangit. Now my heart is racing.
I think I'm starting to feel the reality,
of going away.


murmur

January 2004

murmurs of the past
linger on as i pass by
the scent of stench and doom
keeps creeping up to me
through the spine of neverland
the coldness of my heart
will i ever be free
of doubts, fears and dread
of life being as it is
or as it was
through beginning and the end


How It All Started

January 2004

One night,
I was laying down
and all of a sudden
I had a little itch in my throat,
but as I inhaled to cough and did so,
it felt like I tore something
in the back of my mouth.

I think that's how it started.


Detour

March 2004

go here.
go there.
go up.
go down.
go left.
go right.
go front.
go back.
go forward.
or straight?
go anywhere.
just go.
detour your life.
to better.
and better.
go here.


As God Is Beside Me

14 April 2004

Stuck in a well,
Feeling forlorn.
Doubt overflowing,
And mood is gone bowling.

Nowhere to run,
Nothing to do.
Fear in itself,
Is laid on a shelf.

Uncertainty strikes...
Where do I belong?
What do I believe?
Should I remain strong?

Death is on the rise...
Nothing to live up to
How can I tell,
If I meant something to you?

Smile, as despair is hid.
Love, as sadness bid.
Hug, as lonelines hold.
Laugh, as tears run bold.

Nowhere to run,
Nothing to do.
Mind needs tuning...
Heart bids yearning.

Death in my heart.
No life within me.
Yet hope arise
As God is beside me.

Lifting me
Holding me
Carrying me
Loving me

Love is abound
And the feeling is strong.
Assurance of life
Nothing could go wrong.

Yet hope arise
As God is beside me.

Yet hope arise...
As God is beside me.


Signals

June 2004

Signals.
Green. Red. Yellow.
Faster and faster.
Time tags along.
He catches up to me.
And then leave me behind.

Prison.
Cells of dank and loneliness.
Yet so bright I can hardly see.
Time comes in and ruins it.
He turns off the light,
But not in my eyes.

Silence.
So quiet, it's ringing in my ears.
Louder and louder.
Time charges and makes it worse.
Makes it quieter and quieter.
I have no peace.


Things Are Not What They Seem

3 August 2004

She looked dirty,
All tattered clothes
envelop her body
Sitting and sleeping
In the gutter.
Yet she was a mother
Her kids lost,
Her home gone
Her beloved turned to dust.
A life torn for another.
Things are not what they seem.

He was a loner,
Never took to company
His face was gnarled
No one would go near him
Yet he goes to the hospital
Of children with lost dreams
There he takes comfort
As he comforts
In holding a baby.
A life made for another.
Things are not what they seem.


Sleep

6 October 2004

a blanket of comfort,
a yearning of darkness,
a regeneration of life,

a temptation at idleness,
a rendering of dreams,
a barrage of neurons,

a relaxation of limbs,
a total nothingness of the unknown.

thus, sleep I crave,
for nothing is paramount.


Muse Goat Who Ran

June 2005

Author: Lanaia

Scared to bits
Hair standing on end,
This little animal
Was ready to bend.

Muse Goat was hungry
So she ate Lanaia's dress,
Lanaia was so angry
She liked Muse Goat less and less.

Muse Goat who ran
With Lanaia at her heels,
No more part of Lanaia's
Will be one of her meals!


Your Love

4 June 2005

lying in the dark,
an ache of loneliness,
a lingering sigh,
a raging desire
for your warmth beside me.

stomach churning,
heart racing,
body searching,
hands reaching
for your arms to hold me.

restlessness arise,
not under control,
tossing and turning,
no direction to go
but towards your loving embrace.

feeling uneasy,
endless melancholy,
ever wistful,
yet there you are
loving me.


Thoughts Of Singing

25 July 2006

I keep thinking I should write again.
Sing the songs I write.
But...

I always say I don’t have time
It’s never the right moment
I can’t do it
Maybe later
No inspiration

But when will I have the time?
When is the right moment?
When can I do it?
Now?
Need a muse?

I hope I can do it again.
Someday.


With You

2006?

Created lyrics for my former band, but never played or practiced. I also had some chords with it, but it was never perfect. May have to work on this some more, eventually.

Whenever I'm with you
I don't know what to do
Whenever I'm with you
I can't seem to be blue

You're all I want
You're all I need
I just don't want to be
Without you.

Whenever I'm with you
You're all I ever see
Whenever I'm with you
You bring me down to my knees

You're all I want
You're all I need
I'm so happy now
That I'm with you

Refrain or Bridge?:
I may be lazy, I may be shy
We might not see eye to eye
But that don't matter
It just gets better
As long as we have each other

Whenever I'm with you
I don't have to worry
Whenever I'm with you
I know I won't be sorry

You're all I want
You're all I need
I'm so happy now
That I'm with you

You're all I want
You're all I need
Forever and a day...
Being with you.


Wander and Wonder

17 January 2007

And I wander,
thinking of nothing
but sleep.

And I wander,
thinking of something
but that.

And I wonder,
if the rice
is already cooked.

And I wonder,
something must be done
with this thing.


You Don't Really Care

11 September 2007

You don’t really care -
That I looked for you.
You don’t really care -
I wept for you.
You don’t really care -
I walked the world for you.
You don’t really care -
Do you?

Do you really care -
What’s going on with me?
Do you really care -
If I slipped and fell?
Do you really care -
If I’m stuck here.
Do you really care -
Do you?

I do.

You don’t really care -
That I cry at night.
You don’t really care -
When I tell you I’m here for you.
You don’t really care -
When I need a hug.
You don’t really care -
Do you?

Do you really care -
Something’s wrong with me?
Do you really care -
You want to hold me close?
Do you really care -
Things will be okay?
Do you really care -
Do you?

I do.


Nostalgia

14 June 2009

Looking at you
Feeling anew
The caring I had
It made me sad

Photographs from long past
How long will they last?
Friends of old
I long to hold
Back in my arms
And keep them warm

Past is no longer
Future is stronger
Present will come and go
Nostalgia does show
Loving them all
But not there to call

Looking at you
Feeling anew
Trying to keep you
But no longer do.